Jarad's Secret blog

Drum Roll Please...

2007-11-07T17:47:00.000-08:00

Psych!

I don't know

2007-06-08T20:19:00.000-07:00

where you are right now (you seem to have somehow dislodged the tracking chip I had implanted in the back of your neck) but where I am IT IS Cold! Cold War Cold. And I don’t mean bullshit nancy-pants Vladimir Putin bitchin’ and moanin’ about missile defence cold war cold. I’m talking Margaret Thatcher’s underwear cold war cold. (Now there’s a woman who never had to ice her nipples I bet. Desea vivo la señora del hierro)

My point being: It’s cold. And I’m suffering. Not Paris Hilton in jail suffering (that poor wretch. Why has life been so unkind to her? All she ever wanted to do was make people happy) but suffering none the less.

Being the globe-trotting sun-chasing playboy millionaire that I am, I am unaccustomed to having to deal with such mundane and banal discomforts. Usually, if I’m feeling a little chilly, I just say: “Jock, warm me”, in the general direction of one of my trusty manservants. And they do, often displaying an ingenuity (not to mention agility) that I sometimes wish they could summon when faced with their other duties, primarily, tax evasion.

However, today it is soooo cold where I am (where I am, not where you are. Please do try and keep up) that even the best efforts and combined body heat of my obliging attendants have born no fruit (so to speak) and I have dispatched them post haste for suitable accouterment (something fierce in ermine was my exact instruction though, I suppose, only Manuel will have truly grasped my meaning, he having always been a bit euphemistic himself).

And now I await, cold and alone (again not unlike Margaret Thatcher’s nipples), the return of warmth, of joviality, yea the restitution of life it’s very self to warm my bones and ease my passage through these caliginous foreign waters. Woe is me.

Tonight,

2007-06-05T05:11:00.000-07:00

after dinner I went to the shops and bought a hot water bottle and some ice cream. Sometimes I am a very complicated man.

Look,

2007-05-11T08:29:00.000-07:00

We can stand around here all day finger-pointing and bickering about who “failed to complete their blog-transmitted mission from god” or who “may have condemned all humanity to everlasting damnation with their wanton disregard for the word of god” if you want, but, I mean, atleast try and see this thing from my point of view. I am a very busy man. I was tired, I had a headache. And Desperate Housewives is the only show I get to watch all week. It’s not like you’ve ever successfully completed a mission from god is it? I mean, not that he would ask. Obviously. And these things are really hard man. There’s a lot of pressure. It’s not like just writing a blog. I was writing a blog for god. I mean frickin god man. It was intense. And at some point you just have to say to yourself “Enough is enough Jarad. Your god is a forgiving god (fortunately) and how pissed can he really be when it was he who invented playstation in the first place?” So god, if you wanna be pissed, be pissed, cause me and the boys are going down to Riley’s for a three dollar special and we may not be back for some time.

Umm, something about god or something

2007-04-19T07:24:00.000-07:00

In a desperate and no doubt vain (ed’s note: you're so vain. I bet you think this blog is about you) attempt to escape the wrath of god (did I mention god was communicating with me through my blog now? Really? Makes face... cause it sounds like something I would have mentioned. Drums fingers impatiently) I am going to make one of those lists of other people's blogs that run down the right hand side of other people's blogs. Yep, gonna make it with own bare hands. Bit like Noah really, except with slightly less live stock and drunkenness. But only slightly.

Okay, so, it’s gonna be on the left hand side because, well, that’s just how god wants it be. Read your bibles people. Left is best.

That makes two.

Ya know what

2007-04-08T03:54:00.000-07:00

I just realised? So far this year I have posted once in January (the first month), twice in February (do you see the pattern yet?) and three times in March (March is when the little hand points at the three and the big hand points to the twelve). Isn’t that weird? Spooky, almost.

It’s as if the hand of some unseen omnipotent force has been guiding me to post in accordance with some form of sacred geometry. Which, to be honest, is something I always kind of expected would happen to me. Like that time I kept having dreams that Carol Channing was my birth mother and then it turned out she was. Except it wasn’t the Tony-award-winning Carol Channing but the one-I-grew-up-thinking-was-a-my-sister-like-Jack-Nicholson-did-Carol-Channing. (I wonder if this counts as a digression yet?) Anyhow... my points, and they are multiple, are these:

1. God has clearly taken a personal interest in my blog and may have even anointed it as the one true blog of god and it is with this divine mandate that I must continue to blog forth, spewing his celestially sanctioned word onto the World Wide Web like so much um, spew. (Ed’s note: I had a divine man date once. His name was Julio and he certainly did. Ding).

2. Now I’m gonna have to post four times this month which sucks because, as you may have very recently become aware, I don’t have a damn thing to say.

Oh, the agony of the prophet.

I really should have

2007-03-18T11:04:00.000-07:00

saved this picture to use in my last post ever just to show you all that I was joking all along and that the joke was in fact on you, piteous fool, who has been slavishly reading this blog like the tragic hipster troglodyte that you are and not on me who has been writing this blog like the turgid erratic inebriate that I am.

I just felt like some colour.

Can anybody find me...

2007-03-18T10:52:00.000-07:00

somebloggy to love?

Now, I’m no Bill Gates, I’m not even a Melinda Gates (what does she do exactly?) but after careful observation the following truth has become clear to me: There are a lot of blogs on the net (you read it here first kids).

Now this state of affairs is all well good and appears, on the surface, to be working well for all parties involved. People write blogs, people read blogs (you’re reading one right now, if you were wondering what you were doing) and, all in all, blogs do what they are supposed to do and the world is as it should be.

Now this would be all fine and dandy were it not for my next earth shattering observation which I will write after this colon: Most blogs suck.

Shocking, I know, but true none the less.

(I am well aware of the irony of making this pronouncement on a blog that does, in fact, itself suck so please don’t write in. You’ll only upset my manservant, the one who screens my mail, not the one who handles sunscreen and cocktails. The only thing that upsets him is Canadians. Don’t even ask)

Now, the suckiness of most blogs wouldn’t be a major concern either except, once again, for my last scientifically verified and patently obvious fact: I read blogs. Quite a bit. And it annoys me when they suck.

So, having thoroughly and vigorously posited the case for blog suckiness I propose that we all work together to find a solution. I envision it going something like this: (can’t get enough of these colons today. I wonder if I am using them correctly? No I don’t... not really.) You all write in (address correspondence care of Jake... Manservant? Is his surname really Manservant? That would be weird. Oh, just call him Jake the Snake. I do.) and tell me some blogs that are good to read and I will read them and (if they are very good to read (do you find all of these parentheses distracting? Are you distracted? Are you? Are you? Do you even remember what this sentence was about?)) I will not again subject you to a full length post such as this one replete with copious colons and profuse parentheses which I only wrote because I couldn’t find a decent blog to read. Deal? Deal.

Seeing as no one actually reads this blog I suspect the aforementioned deal will be somewhat of an exercise in futility ( by my count my fourth for today not including my attempt to make a sandwich using only the ingredients I had in my kitchen. That was really more of an homage to the theatre of the absurd then an exercise in futility. Though on second thought I might count that one because exercises in futility are about the only exercise I get these days and my menservants have begun to fret, dear things, about my health.

Toodles.

'Cause I'm mad as hell...

2007-03-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

Get the fuck away from me you crazy fucking bitch.

There, I said it.

Is anybody else

2007-02-20T08:20:00.000-08:00

really thirsty? I know I am.

Even I

2007-02-10T08:19:00.000-08:00

don't read my blog. Do you think it's a symptom of my post-modernistic malaise? I really should have that checked. blohg. blahg blah blah blah.

FIRE ISAIAH!

2007-01-19T02:37:00.000-08:00

Right now...

2006-12-28T08:53:00.000-08:00

I am eating ice cream.

Gerald Ford was still alive????

2006-12-28T08:37:00.000-08:00

Jeez, they kept that quiet.

Sweet Jesus

2006-12-25T11:19:00.000-08:00

I just googled the name of my blog (yes, because I am a self absorbed narcissist) and there were results! Results that were my blog! I am inside of Google. And Google is inside of me.

And then for one orgiastic moment I felt a surge of creative power flow though my body and then pour directly into the very soul of the Internet profoundly connecting me with every tiny bit and every massive byte of it's entire glorious whole.

And then I tried to write this post and I couldn't get the italics to work properly. Sigh

Merry Christmas

2006-12-25T11:12:00.000-08:00

I would have gone to more effort for my Christmas post but, you know, I just don't care anymore. Merry Christmas.

Well,

2006-12-25T07:04:00.000-08:00

I got bored of this pretty quickly, didn't I?

Back in two weeks!

2006-11-30T10:38:00.000-08:00

Yes, I promise.

I seem to have lost a day.

2006-11-30T09:59:00.000-08:00

I suspect it was a Wednesday though I can't be sure.

Is Ronald Reagan Dead????

2006-11-30T09:28:00.000-08:00

Jeez, they kept that quiet.

Parting is such sweet sorrow

2006-11-30T08:51:00.000-08:00

Due to a complete lack of appreciation and cash rewards I will stop blogging forever at the end of this sentence.

Edit: Due to overwhelming public demand (and the Hello Kitty sandwich oven thrown in to sweeten the deal) I have deigned to return as your blogmaster. I will just never ever ever blog using vowels again. Fuckin' vowels.

m gng wy fr tw wks s thr wll b n nw psts. pls dn't ht m nd pls kp rdng ths blg bcs rlly nd y ll t vldt m nd gv m sns f slf-wrth. prmse wll b bck n tw wks. cld nvr rlly lv y snkms. Y knw lv y. Tk cr, my swt rsy-chkd chrb. 'll nvr frgt y.

Hanging on the telephone

2006-11-30T07:50:00.000-08:00

I just spoke to my friend I. in London. He told me that when recently in Norway he ate a moose. Except he called it an elk. Which reminded me that my friend R, when recently in Peru, ate a guinea pig. An entire guinea pig with a face, and a tail, and a wife guinea pig sitting at home worrying herself silly. Which brings me to the only logical conclusion that can possibly be made: All of my friends are vampires.

Which explains the fangs, blood drinking and aversion to sunlight but not why nobody else can see them but me.

Can you believe?

2006-11-28T23:09:00.000-08:00

Can you believe that this is how you spell snuffleupagus? I've been pronouncing it wrong all these years! Why didn't anybody say something? To avoid the same shame spiral that I am currently free falling down please click on the following links. Really, you owe it to yourself.

This is the best one. Closely followed by this. I had no idea snuffy was so instrumental in the fight against pedophilia. This is sad but I suppose inevitable. Mr Snuffleupagus' myspace is only really interesting in that it exposes Snuffy as both friends with Richard M. Nixon and as a member of a group called Jack Johnson is a penis.

This is an interesting perspective on snuffleupagus. And by interesting I mean selfish and neurotic.
This probably took more effort then anyone should ever put into a blog but it's all worth it to see Snuffy at Number One.

And if that isn't enough links for you people then I just don't think you'll ever be satisfied. Maybe you just don't want to be happy.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

2006-11-28T21:38:00.000-08:00

Somebody has commented on my blog! Somebody with the same name as me. The implications of this event are both grave and epochal. And confusing. And frightening. And also kind of neat.

In my experience complex situations such as this can only truly be summed up by a picture of a monkey. Someday, monkeys, someday...

You are getting very sleepy...

2006-11-28T10:32:00.000-08:00

This is my attempt at having an early night. It's 4.39am local time. Sigh.

So this is my last post of the day. Please don't kill yourselves in despair. I will return to you upon the golden arcs of the sun's rays. Damn, I'm tired.

I am driving my car at the speed of light and I turn on my headlights. What do I see?

2006-11-28T10:04:00.000-08:00

I just went for an after midnight drive with my friend R. I love after midnight drives. They are so spontaneous. One minute you're sitting at your computer, quietly pondering the deepest of life's mysteries and eating chips and the next you're flying along the deserted streets of your own private night time city, hurtling through the vast and encompassing darkness, leaving all of your cares behind you and eating chips.

If you have any other questions you can click here.

Hey! I added a counter!

2006-11-28T03:12:00.000-08:00

I'm a frickin genius.

Although, one of the rules of service that I had to agree to was that the counter would not be used for a pornographic site, so there go my plans to fill this puppy with hardcore thundercats porn. Sigh.

Everybody loves good neighbours

2006-11-27T11:41:00.000-08:00

The couple in the apartment next to me are attempting to break the world record for the longest and most inane domestic dispute ever had. By my count they're at 6 hours and 40 minutes though I do think they may have finally moved on from endeavouring to determine which of them actually did smoke the last cigarette. I suppose it's just one of those questions that nobody really has an answer for. Like, were Niles and Maxwell Sheffield secretly lovers? Although, I suppose the answer to that would be yes.

Eew, gross.

I wonder...

2006-11-27T11:08:00.000-08:00

I wonder how long it will take for someone to post a comment on my blog? Or to read my blog for that matter? I reckon I can go a year with nobody reading it. A whole year of completey uninhibited and self-indulgent postings containing pictures of sandwiches. Ace.

That being said if you want to comment, just a little, I probably wouldn't mind that much. Maybe you could just say something like: "Jarad, this blog is a work of staggering post-modernist literary genius" or, "Jarad, this blog has finally given me a reason to live", or "Jarad, I think this blog is so good I'm gonna make you a sandwich and not just any kind of sandwich but a sandwich of staggering post-modernist genius. With mayo.

Mmmm

2006-11-27T10:50:00.000-08:00

I really feel like a sandwich.

And my therapist says

2006-11-27T08:07:00.000-08:00

And my therapist says my fear of frogs is irrational.

This is genius

2006-11-27T07:07:00.000-08:00

I think http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ is genius. Apparently 50 000 000 people have been there in the last two years but I only just found out about it today (my future as a blogger is not looking bright) and I just had to share it. This is another of my I-must-insist-you- click-on- this-right-now-right-frickin'-now links. When I figure out how I'm gonna add it to one of those lists of blogs that run down down the right hand side of other people's blogs. Some day, Jarad, some day. Enjoy.

And so now I am linking to something. I Think

2006-11-27T05:57:00.000-08:00

Hey, here is (hopefully) my very first link. It's awesome. Click on it. Now. Right now.

Is this how you post pictures?

2006-11-26T22:22:00.000-08:00

Ok, so now I'm kind of bored.

2006-11-26T10:20:00.000-08:00

Isn't a blog supposed to do things? Like be funny? Everyone else's blogs are funny. Well, not everyone. Some people's are just fascinating and thought-provoking insights into the human psyche.

Hmm. Maybe I'm doing something wrong? Maybe from now on I should give some thought to what I'm putting on my blog instead of just posting for the pure unadulterated thrill of putting shit ON THE INTERNET! I'm drunk with power.

Question: Can I swear on my blog? Maybe should have actually read terms and conditions and not just ticked box in manner of everybody else.

Oh wait, I can make things bold! THIS IS AWESOME!

Okay, if I can figure out how to sign back in to this majigga then maybe I will post something tomorrow as well! I'm sure you are all just wetting yourselves with excitement.

Okay, goodbye new internet friends, wherever you are.

Ha! I can't believe I have a blog!

2006-11-26T10:03:00.000-08:00

This was so easy. It took me like five minutes. And Perez Hilton makes it look so hard. If you don't have a blog you should totally get one. Then you can put your thoughts ON THE INTERNET. LIKE I'M DOING RIGHT NOW. RIIIIIGHT.....NOW!

Okay, so here is the deal with my blog: IT'S A SECRET. So if you've somehow found it (though I can't imagine how because, quite frankly, I don't really understand how blogs work or where they are exactly? Is it cyberspace? Do people still call it that?) then you CAN'T TELL ANYONE. Because as I may have mentioned: IT'S A SECRET. Ok? No telling anyone, deal? Deal. Done.

I haven't yet decided what unmentionably awful fate will be visited upon those who break this sacred secret pact we've just made but rest assured it will probably be both unmentionable and awful.

Ok, that's it.

And so now I have a blog!

2006-11-26T09:59:00.000-08:00

Blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blgo (oops, got a bit carried away).